lies told to women

My niece is a lovely young Christian woman who, with her husband, has decided to be a stay at home mother. They believe this is the best choice for their three boys. Despite being an extreme extrovert who finds the long days of being home with littles a challenge at times, she is filled with gratitude at the blessing of these three souls entrusted to her care and knows that God is with her daily. She knows that the days are a series of moments: some of which are cherishable and some just need to be discarded - mothering is hard. But at the end of each day, when the boys are safely tucked in their beds and she takes a deep breath, she knows she is doing God’s work and that through caring for her husband and children, she is serving the Lord in a particular and important way. 

I remember those days. I remember being so enchanted with my children that all I could do was gaze at them in awe. I remember the day my husband came home to find me on the front porch, an open beer in hand and my comment was, “It’s been a day. Your children are inside.” I remember being shocked that God would entrust me with these amazing souls while terrified that I would mess it up. I remember praying for one more week of patience at Mass each week and the grace to be the mother they deserved because I knew that without that grace, I would surely fail. I remember how good it felt to care for them when they were sick, knowing that my presence made them feel a bit better. I remember how glad I was that it was me who was dealing with someone’s rotten attitude and not a stranger because, on that day that kid needed to be loved through the awful. I remember being grateful that it was me who was able to call someone on his crap because I loved him enough to not let it slide by. I remember that when they were sad or hurt or frustrated it was my privilege to have the loving arms they ran to.

Yes, staying home with my children was the best - and hardest - thing I ever did. I regret none of it. I believe that it is what we women are designed to do. Lots of people have and will love my children. Not one of them loves them in the particular way I do. A mother’s love cannot be duplicated.

So why then, do women still receive criticism when they decide to stay home? When I was doing it twenty years ago, I wasn’t too shocked when my “friends” gave me the look that clearly expressed that my job as a stay at home mom wasn’t as important as theirs doing whatever it is they did outside the home. I wasn’t too shocked to hear the comments that I wasn’t working as hard. I wasn't even too shocked when their kids got sick at daycare and they called me to take care of them until their workday ended. Given the cultural narrative my generation grew up with and that feminism came of age during our childhood, it made sense in my head that I would hear these things. 

I thought that we were moving past that though. I hoped that our culture had matured to the point where women had the freedom to make the choice to stay home and still be respected by other women. Listening to my niece experience the same looks and comments I did, makes me realize we are far from understanding what true womanhood is let alone respecting and celebrating it.

There is a movement called feminism masquerading as something that is good for women. We need to be liberated, they say. We need to discard the chains of male oppression that have kept us from being more, they say. We need to be like the men. We need to demand to be equal. We need to cast aside anything that suggests gentleness or nurturing and get ourselves out there. We can do it all! We can be successful in our male dominated career while raising idyllic children and keeping everyone mentally and emotionally happy and adorably dressed in our perfectly decorated house driving our luxury SUV. 

It’s exhausting to think about. My goal each day was to keep those chicklits of mine alive and for them to know deep in their hearts that not only were they loved, they were liked. My house was decorated in a little known style called Early Childhood. It involved failed toy organization systems and lots of clutter. Each room held toys and books and dog hair. Their clothes were clean and they fit, but the outfits rarely matched because I let them pick out their own clothes. We ate three meals a day but couldn’t afford organic fruit and veggies or hormone free milk. We moved from room to room as a little clot of humanity trailing a wake of legos, matchbox cars, and doll clothes. I relied on the dogs to keep the floors clean, I threw the dirty diapers by the back door, and when they napped, I did too. 

The feminists would have been appalled and we were happy.

The “war on women'' isn't what the media tells us it is. It’s not a systemic effort by men to suppress women. It’s a diabolical plot to destroy the essence and purpose of women and weirdly, it is led by women. If women were truly being attacked from without, we’d unite. But this attack is from within, from other women, tearing us apart. It is misguided, illogical, and mean spirited and will lead to a destruction of the family and ultimately society. Women like myself, my niece and scores of others who have decided to stay home with children are a threat to this narrative because we are doing what the feminist movement is trying to free us from. Somehow in the cultural cacophony, caring for others and raising children to be decent humans became something to be rescued from rather than rejoice in.

We are being fed a pack of lies. But we don’t have to accept them and we shouldn’t because what God, our heavenly Father has to tell us is so much more life giving and loving.

Over the next few months I'm going to take a look at those lies and what the truth is. I hope you’ll join me.