LASTS

It was a time of Lasts - one I didn’t see coming and another I knew about - and I reflected on which is worse: knowing this will be a Last time or not knowing.

On Oct 31, 2020, we sat in their driveway giving out candy, warming ourselves by the firepit and laughing. It was something we’d done often over the years, the fire and laughing part at least. We were surprised when five hours had passed, and we only went home because it seemed like the proper thing to do. We’d listened to Toto’s Africa, nibbled on more kit kats and twixes than anyone should, and dreamed of our next vacation together. It was a beautiful night with beautiful friends.

We’d no idea that Dan’s comments about his achy leg and sore back meant anything more than the average aches and pains we all experience. We’d no idea that it was the last time the four of us would be together free of the specter of death. We’d no idea that Dan’s body was already overrun with a cancer that’d been silently, maliciously growing. We just had no idea. 

Hope and optimism for the future are not sentiments reserved for just the young. We had dreams to go to Ireland, drink dark beer in a dark pub and practice our Irish accents We had dreams of going to Africa and making our own video a la Kristin Bell and Dax Shepard. We had dreams of growing old together while sitting around more fire pits and fireplaces, listening to Dan’s eclectic playlist and singing along, pausing to laugh until it hurt. 

We had dreams. We didn’t know it was our last happy time together and had we known, it would have tainted the whole evening. That night we lived. We lived for the moment and in the moment. Had we known, we wouldn’t have felt the freedom of being present. It would have laid heavy over us. 

After Dan’s diagnosis and valiant fight, it came time for another Last but this one we knew about. Having never lost someone I’m close to, I very nearly didn’t attend this Last. What are the words to be said? How could there be any words? But out of love for my friend and our friendship I went to this Last - my first Last of this sort. And even though we knew we were saying goodbye for a very long time it was necessary and important and needed and had I not gone I’d have regretted it forever.

At the end of the peaceful visit that even included some laughing, I said the words I didn’t think I’d know, words I didn’t think I’d have to say to a friend for at least another 25 years. 

“I love you. I will miss you. I expect you to welcome me at heaven’s gate with a boombox on your shoulder playing Africa. Loud. I’m thankful I’ve known you. You are a good friend.”

It was a Last  I knew was coming. A few days later he died and now it’s All Soul’s Day and for the first time I’m praying for a friend in a real way and thinking about Lasts and death and heaven. I believe my friend Dan is heaven bound but I’m wrestling with what that means. I’m wrestling with the “where” of it because a few months ago his soul was housed in his body. Now his body is gone and his soul has gone on and I’m trying to visualize something that can’t be visualized.

This All Soul’s Day is different for me. It's the first one to be meaningful but only because it comes after two Lasts. This All Soul’s Day I'm leaning on Jesus because the supernaturality of all of it is hanging over me like summer clouds that blow briefly by blocking the sun on their way east. Every so often it gets grey and I wonder about souls.

I know God brings good things out of really crummy things. I have no idea what good can come of this but God knows and I trust him. I also know that there is much mystery in a life lived with Jesus and it’s not mine to know the answers. Maybe someday. Maybe not. Maybe one day I’ll look back and see a lesson learned or an insight gained. Or maybe not. Today I don’t have any lessons or insights.

I know there is goodness in the Lasts, both those we see coming and those we only know about after they happen. The Lasts provide an anchor. There is the before, the Last, and the after. Those two Lasts will anchor me to a time and place and people that are good; gifts from God that I will savor. God was there for the before, the Lasts and the after. Despite the awfulness, he’s been there. We are not alone in this mystery. We are not alone in not knowing. Maybe one day it will make sense. Maybe one day we won’t care if it does. 

One day we'll be together again and this time of questions and sorrow will be a tiny blip, an infinitesimal point on a long line of happiness with God in heaven which is a place with no Lasts. 

The souls of the just are in the hand of God,
    and no torment shall touch them.
They seemed, in the view of the foolish, to be dead;
    and their passing away was thought an affliction
    and their going forth from us, utter destruction.
But they are in peace. Wisdom 3:1-3